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I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict, by Roni Cohen-Sandler, Michelle Silver
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For mothers who are reeling from the rockiness of an ever-changing adolescent, or struggling with a relationship that's deteriorating by the day, here is encouragement, reassurance, and great advice. "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" discusses the social, emotional, cultural, and psychological issues that can lead to mother-daughter conflicts. It offers illuminating and very recognizable case studies, and demonstrates how mother-daughter friction during adolescence can actually empower girls by teaching them invaluable skills. By providing mothers with much-needed encouragement and practical strategies to help their daughters grow into emotionally healthy and capable adults, "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!" can transform the tempestuous teenage years into years of positive, enriching growth.
- Sales Rank: #649793 in Books
- Brand: Sandler, Roni Cohen, Ph.D./ Silver, Michelle
- Published on: 2000-03-01
- Released on: 2000-03-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.97" h x .61" w x 5.38" l, .53 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 280 pages
Amazon.com Review
If you are a mother and many of your conversations with your teenage daughter begin with a rolling of eyes, move into shrieked insults, and end with a door slam, I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You! could save you both. As Roni Cohen-Sandler and Michelle Silver illustrate, even if you often seem to be living on two different planets, conflict does not have to define your relationship.
Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist specializing in issues of women and adolescent girls, and Silver, senior editor of Girls' Life magazine, have done mothers a great service with this thoroughly researched book. Their main point is simple: arguments are bound to occur, but if approached correctly, confrontation can actually lead to deeper mutual understanding and a stronger mother-daughter bond. Consistently working through battles also demonstrates a sense of constancy that will offer good lessons for future relationships. Through case studies, exercises, and detailed scenarios, the authors describe the most effective ways to communicate about such loaded topics as dating, sexuality, drugs and alcohol, and peer pressure, paying particular attention to the "classic battle starters": the state of her bedroom, her clothing, and her makeup and jewelry choices. Other in-depth chapters focus on the right and wrong ways to respond to verbal attacks and the importance of choosing battles wisely. Some of their advice will not be easy to follow, especially when the fight is on, but if some effort is exerted, these tips should help mothers and daughters not only survive, but even enjoy, the teen years.
From Publishers Weekly
Cohen-Sandler, a psychologist, and Silver, an editor of Girl's Life magazine, offer advice to mothers anxious about surviving their daughters' teen years. The authors assume that conflict is a given. Their aim is to provide mothers with strategies for coping with problems and even turning them into something positive. They reason that if girls learn how to handle conflict early on, if they can develop constructive ways of coping with their emotions, they will be that much further ahead in life. The authors offer some interesting examples and suggestions: advising mothers to choose their battles carefully and to calm themselves down before confronting their daughters. They take the usual approach of telling readers what to say and what not to say through a series of short, familiar vignettes. The organization is confusing, however, and leads to some repetition. In their attempt to be sympathetic to teens, the authors at times sound like apologists ("This kind of exasperating self-centeredness, for better or worse, is simply a part of being a teen"), making mothers want to tiptoe timidly around their daughters. The authors shy away from some big issues as well: they tell the story of a mother waiting for the results of a daughter's HIV test but squelch the opportunity to discuss AIDS issues in general. By the time they finish reading, mothers may find themselves yearning for a chapter, if not an entire book, written especially for their daughters on the pressures of motherhood.
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Cohen-Sandler, a clinical psychologist, and Silver, the senior editor of Girls' Life, present a commonsense guide to communication between mothers and teenage daughters. The book's value lies in concrete examples of events most mothers and daughters face as they mature. After a slow start, the numerous scenarios and conversation excerpts illustrate things to do and say quite well. More importantly, what not to do and say is also detailed. The authors briefly discuss some of the serious and life-threatening issues that may confront some parents and teens. Excellent checklists help determine whether a professional should be consulted. The authors recognize that this is easier said than done, but they reassure mothers that they are not alone and should trust their instincts and stay the course. This pep talk could be read daily by every mother of a teenage daughter. Recommended for public libraries. (Index and bibliography not seen.)AMargaret Cardwell, Georgia Perimeter Coll., Clarkston
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Most helpful customer reviews
89 of 93 people found the following review helpful.
best book re teenage girls
By A Customer
At a time when I was ready to give up on being a mother till my teen "grew up", this book was a godsend. My feelings of desperation, confusion, loss, and wondering where I went wrong were all validated. I have already started trying techniques recommended. Even if it doesn't change my daughter, my perception has changed so that I'm better able to cope. Very readable (not a bunch of jargon) I'd recommend it to any mother of a teenage girl. The only reason I didn't give 5 stars was because there were no illustrations. Of course, as an adult I don't have to have them, but I like them. Sometimes a well-placed cartoon helps to illustrate a point. It may be the authors thought illustrations are inappropriate for their book.
63 of 66 people found the following review helpful.
Good News For Mothers and Daughters
By A Customer
This work is an interesting and practical guide on how to maange the highs and lows of mother/daughter relationships. Cohen-Sandler and Silver not only offer valuable insights into the sensitive realtionship between mothers and teenage daughters, but they also present specific how-to's for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. This book begins by asking mothers to examine their own strengths and weaknesses in their role as parent and mentor. Next, the reader journeys through the characteristics of the teenage girl in today's society. Mothers are then given specific advice on how to handle numerous crises. The authors reassure us that conflict does not have to be a bad thing, as long as it is managed in a postive way. Although the book is very readable, the early chapters challenge the readers patience. The authors relate stories of several mothers and their daughters. However, they separate the stories in two different chapters. Although I understood their reasoning for focusing on the mothers and daughters in individual chapters, I found it tiresome to flip back and forth between the chapters to remind myself which mother was connected to which daughter. This book is a valuable read and I recommend it to both mothers and daughters who wish to remain actively engaged in one of the most influential relationships of their lives.
60 of 63 people found the following review helpful.
No, I'm not going crazy!
By Lolly H
I thought I going was nuts, not knowing how to parent my pre-teen. At last, a book to let me know I was not going crazy by myself, that it is perfectly normal what we are going through, why I as the mom am the target and spring board for her growing up. It also gives ideas on how to rethink parenting, your responses to issues. It shows why "I" the mom am the only one, cuz I'm the closest one to her, that she is 'experimenting with life' off of. I don't feel so alone, I'm okay, and can see why I get the backwash, and the testing. I highly recommend this book to other moms and also dads too, so they can understand the battle while they watch from the sidelines.
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